A list of everything that’s happened since Frank Ocean released Blonde

It has been nine years since Frank Ocean released Blonde, a haunting, flawless masterpiece and undoubtedly one of the best records of the 21st century. The sense of loss and longing it conveys is mirrored in our own experience of waiting for its follow-up, like a sailor’s wife staring out to sea from a widow’s watch, dreaming of a reunion which may never come. Every time there’s some new announcement that Frank is working on new material, we feel like taking to his Insta DM’s in tears and asking: “did you call me from a seance? You were from a past life, hope you’re doing well…”

We’ve all lived many lifetimes since 2016, which feels today like an entirely distinct era of history. New artists have burst onto the scene, before being quietly led off to the Khia Asylum. We have seen the rise and fall of multiple trends and micro-genres. Lots of terrible things have taken place, too, which we’ve decided not to talk about here, on the basis that mentioning them alongside Club Chalamet seemed a bit trivialising. With that disclaimer out of the way, here is an exhaustive list of literally every single thing which has happened since Frank Ocean released Blonde. If you think we might have missed something, this can only be because you are misremembering or suffering from the Mandela Effect.

Donald Trump was nominated as the President of the United States of America, and every day since, we have descended further into hell 😍

Notable mentions: Hilary Clinton dropped her infamous line, “Pokemon go to the polls”. Hamilton became a major sensation, and young people started writing Thomas Jefferson fanfiction. George Michael died on Christmas Day (RIP).

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced their engagement 😘

Notable mentions: Kendall Jenner ended racism by handing a cop a can of Pepsi during a protest. An upstart young politician named Jeremy Corbyn cost Theresa May her majority. Lana del Rey released her fifth studio album, Lust for Life. Frank Ocean, meanwhile, dropped a slate of singles, including “Chanel”, “Lens” and “Biking”. The man couldn’t stop making music! Based on this burst of creativity, surely a new album would be just around the corner?

Anthony Bourdain died (RIP).

Notable mentions: The Cambridge Analytica scandal (in hindsight, kind of boring?). Ari Aster released Hereditary (a perfect movie). Childish Gambino sparked weeks of discourse with the release of his music video, “This Is America”. England almost won the Euros, and it was the best summer ever. 

We could have had Jeremy Corbyn as our Prime Minister, but for some reason, we elected Boris Johnson???

Notable mentions: Lana Del Rey released her sixth studio album, Norman Fucking Rockwell! Frank dropped “DHL” and “In My Room”. Billionaire sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein took his own life (or did he…?). Congress impeached Trump and, thankfully, we never heard from him again. 

The global pandemic ☹️

Notable mentions: Harry and Megan quit the royal family. There was a brief period where everyone was talking about Tiger King. Biden won the election and, despite some stiff competition, would go on to become one of the worst presidents of all time.

The tragic death of Captain Tom – it would’ve been nice to have had a new Frank Ocean record to soothe the grief which consumed us all, but sadly it wasn’t to be.

Notable mentions: The Suez Canal was blocked by a container ship for six days, which, for some reason, everyone found really funny. An alpaca named Geronimo was put down after a lengthy legal battle. Harry and Megan made some scandalous accusations about the Royal Family on Oprah. Lana del Rey released her seventh and eighth studio albums (Chemtrails Over the Country Club and Blue Bannisters, respectively).  

Liz Truss was our Prime Minister for 49 days, a tenure as fleeting and sad as the love affairs depicted on Blonde.

Notable mentions: The Queen died, and another queen was born (welcome to the world, Malibu Barbie Paytas-Hacmon 👑). Elon Musk bought Twitter, turning it into a cesspit of the dorkiest neo-Nazis imaginable. Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars for making fun of Jada, and the world was divided on whether this made him a good husband or an attempted murderer.

The Titanic submarine disaster (RIP) 🙏🏾

Notable mentions: Martin Scorsese was definitively crowned the white boy of the century by us at Dazed. ‘Barbenheimer’ happened. Taylor Swift became the most famous person on the planet. A walrus rocked up at a town in northern England and started masturbating in the harbour. We all became aware of the existence of Club Chalamet. Charles was crowned King of England, yet it was an escaped convict – Daniel Khalife – who truly captured the nation’s heart. Lana del Rey released her ninth studio album, Did You Know There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Boulevard.

“kamala is brat” took over our social media feeds, but failed to win her the election. 

Notable mentions: Some guy almost assassinated Trump, who went on to win a second term. Benson Boone backflipped into all of our lives. The world fell in love Moo Deng, a plucky little pygmy hippo with a no-fucks-given attitude. The cursed Willy Wonka experience provided a nightmarish glimpse at the future of AI-generated entertainment. The Timothée Chalamet lookalike competition inspired a wave of imitations. The world fell in love with Luigi Mangione, the alleged killer of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Johnson. Labour won the general election and life got better (not!). A major vibe shift occurred as Molly Mae and Tommy Fury broke up 💔 

Katy Perry, Gale King and Lauren Sánchez went to space for feminism – thank you for your service, queens!  🫡

Notable mentions: Kendrick Lamar called Drake a pedophile again during his Super Bowl set, in front of an audience of over 127 million people worldwide. The Pope died, but then another Pope was born (welcome to the world, Elvis Paytas-Hacmon 👑). Lana del Rey geared up for the release of her tenth studio album. Justin Bieber stood on business and surprise-released his seventh studio album, Swag (if you strain your ears, at times it sounds a little like Frank Ocean).

Who knows what’s around the corner, or when, if ever, Frank Ocean will finally release a third album? Here’s to the next nine years and here’s to the man himself: We’ll always be there for you, how we do. We let go of our claim on you; it’s a free world. You’ll look down on where you came from sometimes, but you’ll have this place (Dazed) to call home, always. ❤️